Unless you've been spending the last few days under a rock, you've no doubt heard about Benjamin Curtis, the "Dell Dude," getting busted on pot charges. The Jeff Spicoli of the computer world was allegedly caught buying a small baggie of nature's relaxer.

You may think this was a horrible career move, but this just goes to show how little you, non-acting person, know about the world of high-dollar advertising and fleeting fame. I, being well-versed in the ways of acting and such (at least in my dreams), will explain to you what's going on, in my humble opinion.

You see, Ben played a well-loved advertising character, sort of like the Pillsbury Doughboy on quaaludes, who we all welcomed into our homes and allowed to sell us his wares.

Trouble was on the horizon for our scruffy silicon hawker, though. A new campaign, featuring a bunch of fresh-faced "interns" had been launched, relegating Steven the Dell Dude to a tiny role. Advertising caprice being what it is, Ben saw his meal ticket slipping away.

This left our hero with a bit of a dilemma, according to my theory. He played a well-known character, but not one who would stick in anyone's mind a year down the line. To take that character "across the line" and make it his own, he needed that all-important quality known as "stoner cred."

Back in the late '70s and early '80s, stoner cred was easy to come across. Cheech and Chong, for instance, grew beards and said "Dude" a lot, and the world accepted that they were stoners. Those characters took them through several very successful movies.

Society has grown more jaded in the intervening years. It takes more than a slack jaw and funky hair to make us believe someone is a true stoner. Being a savvy fellow and realizing that his career was at stake, I have no doubt Ben located a pusher stationed directly in front of an undercover officer and made his buy.

Now, once the legal issues are sorted out, Ben can live the rest of his life guaranteed a steady stream of bit parts and character actor roles.

And now, courtesy of my pals at Mikemenn's "Good Eats" Fan Page, the BEST "Dell Dude" joke of the week:

I'm not sure what to think about the Dell Dude getting busted. I always thought marijuana was a Gateway drug.

There you go, with my compliments. Don't say I never gave you anything.

Now here are a few Valentine tidbits for you to discuss over a romantic dinner ...

Step Right Up!

Proving that zoological society members watch late-night TV, zoos across the country are inviting couples to adults-only lectures and parties oriented around the mating habits of their animal guests. Zoo Atlanta, in Georgia, hosts a "Love in the Zoo" event that's become so popular a second night has been added this year.

There are all manner of juicy details to be learned about those mild-mannered critters you may take for granted. For instance, flamingos often pair with members of the same sex. Mallard ducks are notorious rapists. Groupers can change their gender when the ratio of males to females is out of balance.

The Heartland is not immune. The Columbus, Ohio, zoo has sold out its "The Mating Game" event. In San Diego, their "Night Moves" gathering sold out seven nights straight.

The topic has proven so popular aquariums are getting into the act, too. Starting this year, the New York Aquarium is offering a February "Sex In The Sea" singles mixer.

This all reminds me of my very favorite Discovery Channel moment. The program concerned elephants, and the mating habits thereof. In one sequence, a highly, well, "interested" bull elephant gave chase to a reluctant female. His reproductive organ, being ready for fun, spent the chase knocking rocks and debris out of the way. He apparently didn't notice. Now THAT's determination.

How Much Is That Misdemeanor In The Window?

The winter weather must be getting to the good folks in Madison, Wis., based on a recent sampling from the police blotter.

It appears that Amy J. Williams, 23, of Michigan, and Meagan E. Kleinheinz, 22, of Madison, are both charged with lewd and lascivious behavior for a little "performance" they put on in a display window in downtown Madison on a recent Saturday morning.

Officers were on foot patrol in the 500 block of State Street around 2:40 a.m. when they saw a large crowd in front of a storefront window, watching two females who were directly in front of the window, with the lights on, engaging in sexual acts for display, police said.

When the lawmen moved in to break up the act, the assembled crowd booed them resoundingly.

I remember when I was a kid, and we'd be drawn to the displays in store windows downtown. Those were usually things like moving scarecrows or clowns, though. Maybe I lived on the wrong street.

Van Gogh 2003

In another Madison happening, again on a recent Saturday morning, employees of a local clinic and authorities are investigating a request for information that came in over the phone.

The female caller wanted to know how to care for someone who had cut his fingers off. Normally, such levelheadedness might be commendable, but the woman went on to relate that she'd caught her husband having an affair, and he'd offered to hack off his digits to prove his love for her. The clinic worker called police immediately, but they were unable to trace the call.

Know where to find these folks? Check the guest list for the "Jerry Springer Show." They'll show up eventually.